A Work at Home Mom’s Blog

I’ve been feeling pretty good for several days now, but the finances have been a major source of stress nonetheless. But today we managed to create some breathing room for ourselves. We were able to take out a loan to refinance Hubby’s truck, and get a little extra money to boot. That made me very, very happy.

I’d love to take some of the extra cash and buy myself a Sony VAIO laptop with lots of extras. That would make me even happier. But that’s just not in the cards right now. We’ve got to use that extra cash to get the bills paid up until I start bringing in more money. Things should be looking better by the time the first payment on the loan is due, and then we’ll be able to rest easier.

That’s not to say we’re not going to splurge on anything at all, though. Hubby mentioned Pumpkin’s upcoming birthday, and said he had an idea we would discuss later. I believe it’s the same idea I had: Getting her the PSP she’s been begging for since before Christmas. I’ve already been checking prices on them and browsing eBay for deals on used games. I really hope we’re able to do it for her. She’s such an awesome kid, she deserves something nice for her birthday.

If it turns out that we can’t get her that, I guess I’ll have to find something less expensive that she’ll like and try for the PSP this coming Christmas. We’ll see how things look once we get all the bills caught up.

I know, that’s probably one of the top ten cheeziest songs ever made. But I was just thinking about what an awesome husband I have, and it got stuck in my head. Sorry.

But honestly, I feel really lucky to have such an awesome man. I haven’t exactly been the easiest person to live with lately, thanks to the emotional problems I’ve been dealing with. But he has not once failed to be there for me through it all. I’ve felt incredibly guilty about not being able to work and help pay the bills, but every time I’ve gotten upset about it, he has told me not to worry about it and to focus on getting better.

Now that I seem to be getting back to my “normal” self, I feel like I should do something extra special for him. I’m not sure what, though. I could do what I usually do and cook him one of his favorite meals for supper, but I’d like to go beyond that. Maybe get him a nice personalized gift like a watch with an engraved message about how much he means to me or something. Given the current state of our finances I probably won’t be able to do that right away, but maybe it will seem even more special to him if I give it to him later on when he’s not expecting it at all. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just have to make sure to be extra-good to him.

If you’re a regular reader, you might be wondering where I’ve been for the past several weeks. If you picked up on the emotional ups and downs of my last several posts, maybe you’ve formed your own theories. Well, I’m back, and I’m going to try to explain what’s been going on as best I can. So bear with me.

As you may have read in a semi-recent post, I’ve been seeing my family doctor to get treatment for depression. Last month, he increased the dosage of the antidepressant that I was on and told the office staff to make me a referral to mental health. Well, the higher dosage made me feel great, and when they missed the memo about the referral, I told them not to worry about it since I was doing so much better. Big mistake.

After feeling good for a couple of weeks, I came crashing down. I slipped into a deep depression, during which I couldn’t perform even the simplest of tasks. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I did what was necessary to take care of Pumpkin, and the bare minimum to take care of myself, but that was about it. As far as blogging (or writing of any kind) goes, it was absolutely out of the question. I couldn’t even bear the thought of turning on the computer, much less typing a word.

And so it went until my next scheduled appointment. I went back to the doctor with my tail between my legs, so to speak. I told him that I hadn’t gone to a shrink because I felt so awesome at first, but after a couple of weeks I was worse off than I had been before. I would have been willing to go on and see a psychiatrist when things took a turn for the worse if it hadn’t been for the fact that I no longer had insurance.

Well, my doctor, being the understanding fellow that he is, decided to try something else instead of insisting that I spend money that I didn’t have on a shrink. He said that in light of what had happened after adjusting my dosage, it appeared that I needed a mood stabilizer to keep me from experiencing such extreme ups and downs. Translation: Bipolar disorder.

Some people would have been shocked at that diagnosis, but to me it immediately made sense. While I’ve been primarily depressed lately, I have in the past experienced classic symptoms of mania. And I guess that was what I was experiencing for a while after I started taking a higher dosage of my depression medicine, too.

That was all well and good, but how was I going to afford paying full price for my antidepressant (which has no generic equivalent yet) plus paying for another medication each month? Hubby still isn’t able to work, and I hadn’t been able to work for a while, either. I don’t have any rich relatives that can be of assistance, and since I’ve been out of college for over a decade, I can’t exactly sell textbooks to make extra money. I asked the doctor about that, and he told me the cheapest place in town to get the mood stabilizer. As for the antidepressant, he gave me a card that would save me 50% on my next refill, and filled out an application for free medication straight from the manufacturer for a year. That was quite helpful.

Well, I’ve been on the mood stabilizer for a week now. I have to gradually increase my dose over a period of three weeks, but it seems to be making a difference already. For the past few days, I’ve actually felt somewhat normal. And it’s felt good.

The doc told me that it may take a while to get my medications just right, and I understand that. I hope what I’m on now will be the magic bullet, but I know there’s a possibility that it won’t. I’ve been reading about other people with bipolar disorder, and some of them have to take 4 or 5 different meds just to keep it under control. I’m not a big fan of medication, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get myself straightened out. Wish me luck.

When we bought this house, we knew we were in for a wild ride of trying to fix stuff that we didn’t really know much about. The first project, a new roof, wasn’t so bad, because Hubby has done a fair amount of roofing in his day. It turned out quite well. But between lack of funds and his back problems, most everything else that hasn’t been an emergency (such as getting the plumbing fixed over the winter) has been put on the back burner.

Right now, the biggest aggravation we’re dealing with is the toilet. A while back, the flusher broke off of it. Hubby got creative with electrical tape and got it to stay on for a long time, but it finally decided that it would have no more of that nonsense. Since then, we’ve had to take the lid off of the back of the toilet and pull the chain up by hand to get it to flush. Not so bad, until the thing decided that it didn’t want to fill back up after being flushed. Well, Hubby tinkered with it until water would come through, although very slowly. And that’s the state of things right now. You’ve got to open the tank, pull the chain, and wait a good 15 or 20 minutes before flushing again, unless you’re willing to pour water in from the tub faucet to help it fill up faster.

Now, most people would take this opportunity to make a case for getting a fancy new Saniflo toilet with all the bells and whistles and fancy design. But not this bird. You see, I absolutely adore my toilet. Why? Because it’s avocado green, that’s why! I know that color has been out of style since about 1974 or something, but I freaking adore it! And I don’t think I would be happy with another toilet that wasn’t in that color. I’m really hoping that we can just fix what’s wrong with it with a kit or something, and I can enjoy my green potty for years to come.

In case you’re wondering, my tub is the same color. The only thing in the bathroom that isn’t green is the sink, and if I could find a reasonably priced green one that would fit in there easily, don’t think I wouldn’t snatch it up in a heartbeat. I’d even like to find all new avocado green kitchen appliances when the day comes when we have the money to buy them, but I suppose I shouldn’t hold my breath.

Go ahead, tell me I’m crazy, and that my style is just totally wack. I don’t care. I always have loved avocado green, and I always will.

I have never, ever liked grocery shopping. I even hated it when I was a kid. Sure, I would beg for toys and sugary cereals and all that stuff when my mom took me along. But I also ended up on the verge of tearing my hair out by the time the trip was over. Because it was not at all unusual for it to take dear Mom an hour or two to get through the store. Not because she was such a cost-conscious shopper, but because she always ran into at least 4 or 5 people she knew, and would stand and talk to each of them for what seemed like an eternity.

When I got my driver’s license, she would often send me to get the groceries in her place. That I didn’t mind so much. She always gave me a detailed list, organized in the order in which I would find the items in the store. So I could zip through there in, like, ten minutes tops, and after that it was simply a matter of finding the shortest line, having each thing passed over the barcode scanner, grabbing the bags and going.

In fact, I got so fast at getting groceries, I would often ride around a bit and talk to a friend or two before I even went to the store. It came in handy for keeping some small semblance of a social life while grounded, because no one would ever be the wiser. Oh, and my high school sweetheart also happened to work at our preferred grocery store, so I’d often call ahead and see if he could schedule his break around the time I would be there.

Now, I’m back to hating grocery shopping. I still zip through the store pretty quickly, provided that it’s not crammed full of looky-loos that can’t decide which variety of pinto beans would best suit their needs. But if I happen to have Hubby with me, he incessantly rushes me through the store. Every few minutes, it’s “Is that all?” or “We don’t need anything else, do we?” or “Hurry up, I don’t want to miss wrestling!” Not fun, and it often results in me leaving without several of the things I needed most.

I’ll be glad when they start offering grocery delivery services around here. If that ever happens, that is. As far out in podonk as I live, I don’t think I should hold my breath.

Yeah, I know, I’m like, three days late. But did you really expect me to do better than that?

Anyway, I hope everyone had a happy and safe Fourth of July weekend. Mine was nice. Hubby, Pumpkin and I went to my mom’s on Friday to spend the night. We didn’t really do anything but visit with her, but that was fine because we hadn’t seen her in so long. We sat around, talked, watched TV and played cards. And, as usual, had some of her scrumptious fried chicken for supper.

We came back Saturday evening, and didn’t do much for the rest of the night. We sat around the house for the most part on Sunday, especially me, because I wasn’t feeling well. But Hubby and Pumpkin went out and bought some fireworks, and we went to his parents’ house and set them off that night.

Not a particularly eventful holiday weekend, but it was nice. Now it’s time to get back to work, if I can just get my brain back in gear.