A Work at Home Mom’s Blog

I’ve still been applying for every writing gig I can find that I’m qualified for and interested in. And I’ve still heard nothing back from any of them. Well, I did hear back from one, but it was just a form letter saying that they start out at a penny per word and to email them back if still interested. Needless to say, I deleted that one. I’m an experienced writer, and I don’t work for peanuts.

There are bills to pay and no money to pay them. Depression is trying its best to set in, and anxiety is sending my brain into a tizzy. But I’m fighting those demons with all I’ve got, and I refuse to let them get the best of me. If I’m going to get through this, I have to be clearheaded and focused.

I plan on working on some things that provide ongoing income rather than doing the work and getting paid once. Like setting up some websites to generate affiliate income, or writing some ebooks. But those things take time to start bringing money in, and right now I need something that pays quickly. Once I get some steady work with steady pay coming in, I can work on the other stuff.

I’m not giving up this time. I can’t afford to. Giving up is what got me where I am right now, and I’m not letting it take me down any further.

My mother is in hot water. I recently had a birthday, and she sent me a card. It wasn’t the card I objected to, but what was in it: a $20 bill.

A few months ago, we discussed the fact that she’s on a fixed income and can’t afford to spend money on gifts for me and my siblings any more. I told her that I completely understood, and I still loved her just as much whether I got any Christmas or birthday gifts from her or not.

Well, Christmas came along, and she changed her mind. She said she couldn’t bear the thought of not buying her kids, grandkids and kids-in-law something. I fussed on her, but it didn’t do any good.

So I should have known that she would change her mind on the whole birthday thing, too. I kind of had a feeling, but I was hoping that she would send a check like she usually does. Then I could just refuse to cash it. But no, she had to go and send cash.

I called her after I received it and told her she was in big trouble. And once again, she said she just couldn’t bear the thought of not giving me anything. Never mind that she has doctor bills and house and car insurance and a Medicare plan and all that to pay for. It’s like she thinks there’s something morally wrong with not giving her loved ones gifts on special occasions.

I wish I could talk some sense into her, but the woman is extremely stubborn. But I’ll find some way to pay her back, whether she knows it or not. I’m sneaky like that.

Pumpkin has become quite the little Web surfer over the past year or so. She knows what she is and isn’t allowed to do online, and I’ve got safeguards set up to keep anything bad from getting through. But she’s always asking me about whether stuff is okay or not, so the only purpose they really serve is to keep her from accidentally stumbling upon inappropriate things.

She’s known about my work since I started working from home, but she’s just now beginning to understand certain things about it. A few days ago, she asked me if I had a website. I know I’ve told her a few times that I did, but I guess she doesn’t remember and/or is probably just starting to understand what that means. I told her once again that I had a few of them, and she told me I must be famous. Sure, okay.

A couple of days later, I asked Hubby to take some photos of me so I could get a new head shot for my freelance writing website. Pumpkin nearly fell over herself running over to ask if she could be in them. I told her that I needed some by myself, and she started to get that pouty look. So I told her after he took some of just me, we could do some together. And we did.

Then she asked if I would put one of those on my website. I told her that I wouldn’t put it on my freelancing site, but I would put it on my blog. And that’s all I’ve heard about for the past few days.

So, without further ado, here’s the latest picture of Pumpkin and me:

I’ll have to show this to her tomorrow. And then she can be famous too.

All this week, I’ve been actively applying for writing gigs. I found one that I thought was a sure thing, took the test for it, and haven’t heard anything back. I found another that looked really promising, did a couple of samples, and have yet to get a response. I applied for several more, and have heard absolutely nothing. But I’m not giving up. Not this time.

The beginning of my freelance writing career kind of spoiled me, I think. By some stroke of luck, I ended up with one large project and two ongoing jobs within a few days’ time. And that was when I had no experience whatsoever writing for anyone but myself. I was hoping things would work out similarly this time around, but so far they’re not. That’s okay, though. I’m sure competition is stiff with the economy in the shape it’s in. And it’s quite possible that some prospective clients just don’t like my prices. I’m not terribly expensive, but I refuse to work for peanuts.

For now, I’m not letting it get to me. I’m just going to keep on keeping on. I’m in a good state of mind, and I’d like to keep it that way. Back before my meds started working, I would probably be beating my computer with a metal hose right about now, because I would already be discouraged and frustrated and scared that I would never get enough work to keep the bills paid. But as it is, I’m able to maintain a positive outlook. And I think it will pay off eventually.

Today I watched an episode of MTV’s I Used to Be Fat for the first time. I’ve watched those weight loss shows before, but never really liked most of them because there was too much drama for my tastes. But this one follows one young person on a quest to lose a certain number of pounds in a certain amount of time. It delves into the issues that are keeping her from losing weight and addresses them. On the particular episode I watched, the girl fought against her personal trainer tooth and nail at first, but she ended up losing all the weight by the end.

I’d love to be able to say “I used to be fat.” I’ve tried to think of ways to lose it myself, but I’m coming up empty. I know there’s an excuse or two in there somewhere, but current circumstances really don’t make losing weight easy for me. I often have to cook foods that aren’t as healthy as they should be just to get my two picky eaters to eat, and I feel like buying fresh fruits and veggies for myself would end up wasting what little money we have, since they would go bad before they were all eaten. And then there’s the fact that my work doesn’t let me get up and move around very much. Lack of energy had been a big issue as well, but I’m hopeful that my energy is coming back with my motivation and maybe won’t be such a problem.

But I know I’m doing some things right. For example, I have no need for help on how to suppress appetite. I have almost no appetite these days, presumably because of the medications I’m on for bipolar. I take a craving for a little chocolate every now and then, but I rarely get really hungry, and when I’m not hungry, I almost never eat. It has served me well, because I’ve lost somewhere around 20 pounds without even trying according to the scales at the doctor’s office.

I know I need to adjust my diet and get some exercise to keep losing, and I plan on working on that. I can’t afford a personal trainer, or even a membership program like Jenny Craig, but if I can start losing weight, I think that will be motivation enough to keep me going. I’m going to try my best to get started. I hope I can come back in a month or two and say I’ve lost lots more weight.

It looks like my motivation has made a comeback, and that’s great. Now I’ve got to find some paying work to put it toward. I’m hoping to once again become a full-time freelance writer, so that Hubby won’t have to agonize so much about not being able to work, and neither of us will have to fret about the bills constantly.

It’s rough on Hubby not being able to be the breadwinner any more, or even to make a contribution. His abundance of natural testosterone keeps telling him that it’s not right for me to support him. But I see nothing wrong with it. It would be different if he were able to work and just too lazy to do so, but that’s not the case at all. He has always been a hard worker when he was able to work. I think that’s a big part of the reason why his back is so messed up now – because he worked too hard and too much.

If I can get back to making as much money as I was when I was working full-time hours, things would be okay. I would still have a flexible schedule, so I wouldn’t have to sacrifice much family time. And maybe I could finally quit juggling the bills and just pay them when they come due. That would really be nice.

Pumpkin is growing up way too fast. A couple of weeks ago, she decided that she needed to start using deodorant. And now her face is starting to break out. She can thank me and my acne genes for that.

I started getting zits when I was around her age, and they were the bane of my existence when I was a teenager. I eventually got prescriptions to keep them to a minimum, but I really don’t want to go that route with her. The antibiotics worked miracles for me, but if I knew then what I know now about antibiotic resistant bacteria and such, I don’t think I would have taken them. And knowing what I know, I would rather she didn’t, either.

So I guess it’s time to start really researching acne products once again. I’ve looked at them off and on for myself, but I haven’t tried out many of them due to budget concerns. But I know how it is contending with breakouts when you’re young. It makes you extremely self-conscious, and if other kids are picking on you over it, it can make your life a living hell. So for her, I’m willing to spend a little money when I have it to spare to try to find something that works.

If I find the miracle cure, I’ll probably buy enough for both of us. And I’ll be sure to share it with any of my dear readers who are in the same boat!

The Head Cold from Hell seems to finally be going away, at least for me. I think poor Pumpkin is getting it, though. At least she hasn’t had to worry about missing school, because it’s been called off all week due to the dreadful weather we’ve been having.

I’ve had to pamper her today since she wasn’t feeling well, in addition to trying to get myself back into the groove. So I’m up late tonight. It was the only way to get some peace and quiet so I could actually get a thing or two done. I haven’t accomplished as much as I had hoped to, but at least I’m getting something done.

I can already tell it’s going to be hard getting my motivation back. It always is whenever something breaks it. But I’ve got to do it. I’ve been working on minimizing my online distractions by doing things like organizing my Firefox bookmarks and unsubscribing from RSS feeds that are not work-related. Maybe that way I’ll spend less time doing things like reading news that isn’t all that important or comparing prices on Xbox 360 HDMI cables and more time bringing home the bacon.

I’ve also started utilizing a planner again. I’ve tried doing that on several occasions, but I always seem to give up on it after a few weeks. At least this time I didn’t buy one. I printed out a free one from KristensGuide.com. Actually I just printed out the first few weeks of the year since I didn’t have much ink, but if I can make myself keep using it I’ll print out the whole year. I hope I can, because it seems to increase my productivity quite a bit.

I’m slightly behind on my work since I had to take several days off, but I hope to be caught up by next week. If I can do that, maybe my motivation will return and all will be well.

Just when you think everything’s going to be okay, a big fat storm cloud pops up and it rains all over your parade. Well, it’s too cold for rain here, so I guess it would have to snow on my parade.

Perhaps you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Well, I’ll tell you. I started out the new year with a positive outlook, despite the fact that things weren’t going so well. I kept telling myself that this year was going to be better than last year, and I was going to get started making things better right away. And I got started. I got ahead on my work, started actively looking for new clients, and even got some stuff done around the house that I needed to do.

And then one day I started feeling a little down. Thinking that depression was trying to set in once again, I became determined that I was not going to let it happen. I started losing focus, but I took a deep breath and told myself that it was going to be alright. I was going to make it be alright. And even though my mind was being completely uncooperative, I managed to get some paying work done before I went to bed, just like I had promised myself I would do. So what if it took until 3:30 in the morning? I was determined that the forces of evil were not going to win.

Well. The following afternoon, I woke up feeling like a train had run over my head. I figured it was my sinuses acting up again, and I wasn’t about to let it get the best of me. So I got some medication and tried to go on my merry way. But the medicine didn’t help, and in fact I just kept feeling worse until I realized that I had another Head Cold from Hell.

And that’s where I’m at right now. Sitting here, trying to get a thing or two done after being almost completely incapacitated for the past couple of days, thanks to the ringing in my ears and the dizziness every time I do anything but sit down and the coughing and the sneezing and the pain and the mucus. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

All this wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that the bill juggling is not going so well right now. I’m feeling the pressure to try and keep money coming in, but I’m having a ridiculously hard time concentrating because I feel so tired and icky. It sucks.

Why does it have to be this way? Why, when I start to gain a little momentum, does something always have to bring it to a screeching halt? It’s not like I’m asking for too much. At least I don’t think so. I don’t want to go on a shopping spree and buy expensive jewelry or the latest gadgets or Polaris RZR accessories or whatever else tickles my fancy. I just want to be able to pay the bills and put food on the table. That’s all.

Well, I’m going to quit whining and rambling for now. I think I’ve gotten that out of my system for the time being. Hopefully my next post will be much more positive (not to mention coherent).

Lookee here, it’s my first post of the New Year. I’ve been absent for a little over a week, but this time it wasn’t due to another severe bout of depression or some other catastrophe. I’ve just been busy with stuff other than blogging, like having fun and getting some things that I desperately needed to do done.

I hope you all had a great New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Mine were pretty good, nothing to write home (or blog) about, but fun and happy. But to me the beginning of 2011 was major cause for celebration, because I was so glad to see 2010 go.

2010 was the year that Hubby became unable to work and suffered a great deal of pain, both physical and emotional. It was the year that my lifelong battle with depression took a serious turn for the worse. It was the year that I ended up losing most of my writing work because of my depression. It was the year that I had to suck it up and ask for help and take out loans I didn’t want to take out to keep from losing everything we’ve worked so hard for. It was the year we had to cut our expenses to the barest minimum just to survive. And it was another year of extreme bill juggling, only much worse than most other years.

Still, I do have some things from 2010 to be thankful for. Like finally finding a doctor who was willing and able to do what it took to put me on the road to recovery. And gaining a greater appreciation for the little things. And starting to have “girl talk” with Pumpkin. And rediscovering just how much Hubby and I really love each other.

I’m starting this year with a positive attitude and a sense of purpose. And I’m hopeful that those things will help make 2011 a year to be proud of.