A Work at Home Mom’s Blog

Life has been really, really sucky (for lack of a better word) lately. Hubby has been very sick, and we’re not sure what the problem is. The doctor called it chronic diarrhea due to his lack of a gall bladder and muscle spasms in his back, but neither of us is convinced. He’s had to miss a lot of work because of it, and I’m sure they’ll let him go when he does go back. They’ve already fired him once when he came back from being out with an abcessed tooth, but he talked them into giving him another chance. I doubt it will work again, though.

Whatever the problem is this time, he’s been in terrible shape. He’s been in lots of pain, and has spent most of the time lying around. He’s even had to get his brothers to cut and split wood for him, and it’s about to drive him crazy that he can’t do it himself. At least his brothers are actually helping this time. Normally they would make up some excuse and he would be on his own.

We’re seriously scraping to pay the bills, because his pay has been next to nothing. And I haven’t been getting much writing done, either. My clients are getting less and less understanding, and really, who could blame them? There are plenty of crooks and liars on the Internet, and they really have no way of knowing that I’m not one of them. Sure, I’ve been honest in my dealings with them for years now, but people can change. I know that from experience.

My nerves have been in a shambles. Sleep patterns have been erratic - one night I’ll be out before my head hits the pillow, and the next I’ll lie awake for hours wishing I had some good natural sleeping pills in the cabinet. And I haven’t been very good company at all. But I’ve got to find some way to pull it together and get some money coming in. I don’t have any choice, because Hubby’s future is very much up in the air.

Today I’m feeling better than I have been in a while, so hopefully I can get something accomplished. Or actually, a lot of somethings. I don’t mind being the breadwinner at all, but it’s just a matter of whether or not I can pull it off.

Hubby bought me a back massager for Christmas, and it does a pretty good job. I have a lot of back pain when I spend much time in front of the computer. It’s not so bad that I need to consider ankylosing spondylitis treatment or anything like that, but it does get pretty painful and cramped up. A real massage is much better, but when that’s not an option I can hook up my massager, kick back in the recliner, and get some relief.

I haven’t used it much lately, because I have been away from the computer for the most part. But I’m gradually getting back into my work, and the pain is coming back. So I’ll probably have to fire the massager up pretty soon.

I’ve tried to get Hubby to try it when he gets backaches, but haven’t had any luck. I mean, he’s taken it for a test drive just to see how it worked, but he hasn’t used it when he was really having problems. Maybe if I keep after him he’ll eventually give in. I know he bought it for me, but as far as I’m concerned, what’s mine is his.

Well, here I am, at the keyboard again. I’m not getting a whole lot done, but at least I’m present and accounted for. And that’s an improvement.

I started writing this post three, count ‘em, three days ago. So you can see how much I’m accomplishing lately. I’m having a harder time than ever concentrating. Things were pretty quiet last week, but over the weekend we started having more water problems, and now the brother-in-law is back with one of his kids. I’ve tried to write, but it’s kind of like I’m watching matches at three or four different ping pong tables at the same time. Next to impossible to keep up with anything.

At least I’ve been managing to drag myself out of bed each day and make an effort. I guess that’s the first step toward getting back to my life. All I can do is hope that I can keep going forward and not fall back into the way things have been.

It’s been another rough couple of weeks here. It’s all been a blur of unexpected expenses, houseguests, time without Internet access, and other unpleasant surprises. But most of all, it’s been a time filled with tears, angst and incoherence. Fortunately, it seems that I’m slowly getting back to normal (whatever that is).

After I spent a couple of days last week lying in bed, crying, and not doing much else, Hubby asked me if I was having a nervous breakdown. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders, because I’ve never been completely sure what that meant. But it sounded pretty feasible. He tried to get me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I’ve been going to monthly appointments, and that has put a big enough strain on the budget. The weather was bad and the roads were icy as well, so I convinced him that it was not necessary. It wasn’t like I was a danger to myself. So I spent the rest of the week in much the same state.

Yesterday and today I’ve been able to do more, and haven’t been constantly in tears. I got my Internet back this morning and started contacting clients, letting them know what was going on and hoping they would be understanding. (For the most part, they were very much so.) And in between that, I did some research on nervous breakdowns.

What I found was rather interesting. As much as you hear about nervous breakdowns, they are not an official diagnosis according to the medical community. According to Wikipedia, the closest official diagnosis to what most people call a nervous breakdown is a type of adjustment disorder. If you want to spare yourself some of the formal medical mumbo jumbo, however, I prefer this little snippet from Mayo Clinic. I’ve experienced every single symptom on that list, so I guess I qualify.

At any rate, most of the other stuff I’ve read links the idea of a nervous breakdown to depression and anxiety. And I’m already on medication for that (although it would appear that it’s not exactly doing its job). For now the plan is to just hang in there and hope that I don’t have any more serious episodes before I get back to the doctor. And that when I do go in for my next scheduled appointment, that she either gives me something that works or refers me to someone who will.

It seems like it has been years since I felt like a normal, content human being. But for the past few days, I’ve actually felt decent. Not exuberant or anything, mind you, but decent. And I guess that’s a good start.

I’m hoping the Prozac that the doctor put me on is finally starting to work its magic. I’d rather not have to take antidepressants, but if they help, I’ll do it. I don’t feel like I need to go to drug rehab just because I need something to help me maintain some resemblance of sanity.

One good thing about it is that I haven’t had much in the way of those dreaded Prozac side effects. I did have a few days when all I wanted to do is sleep, but that has subsided. I’m still tired a lot, but I was like that before I started taking it.

Anyway, I’m hopeful that the stuff is finally starting to make a difference. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the good mood holds up.

I loved Mountain Dew when I was a kid. Sometimes I would drink nearly a whole 2-liter in a day’s time. It was my favorite drink. But when I was 16, that changed.

I had mono, and I started breaking out in hives. I had never really been allergic to anything (except a reaction I had to too much vitamin C as a kid), so I figured it must just be a weird mono thing. But then I noticed that shortly after I drank Mountain Dew, the hives got worse. The doctor put me on steroids to clear up the hives, and I gave up Mountain Dew for years.

At some point, I started drinking a Mountain Dew every now and then, and it didn’t hurt me. I didn’t get back into the habit of drinking it regularly until I started a night shift job. Then I started drinking a 20-ounce or two each night to help me stay awake since I didn’t like coffee. All was well until one night when I woke up itching like crazy. I got up and looked in the mirror, and I was completely covered in hives from neck to knees. Yikes!

So I once again quit drinking Mountain Dew. I don’t think I even took another sip of it until a month or two ago, when I was thirsty and Hubby had one. That sip didn’t hurt me, so I took another one a couple of weeks later under similar circumstances. Then last night I took a sip of a Mountain Dew Throwback that he brought home. This morning, I woke up with spots of hives on my belly and back.

So I got online and started searching for ingredients I could possibly be allergic to. The only thing I found that was noted for allergic reactions was yellow #5. And that doesn’t make much sense, because on the occasions when I had severe reactions to Mountain Dew, drinking cola would also cause an increase in symptoms. So it seems like it would be something that most sodas have in them but Mountain Dew has more of. I’ll have to investigate further.

At any rate, I think I’m done with Mountain Dew for good, particularly after reading this. According to that article, Mountain Dew can cause everything from bromide toxicity to obesity that will scarcely respond to the most effective diet pills. Not good.

I love the taste of Mountain Dew, but I guess it will just be a sweet memory from now on. Because being all broken out in hives is no fun, and the less noticeable effects don’t sound too appealing either.

I’ve been in a major funk today. I’ve been trying to get some work done, but it just isn’t happening. So in addition to my already foul mood, I’m beating myself up for not being able to do what I need to do to support my family. Doesn’t make for a good day.

Anyway, Pumpkin asked if I would like to play with her earlier when I was away from the computer. I told her I wasn’t feeling well, and she told me to take a pill. And that made me feel that much worse. I always hoped that she wouldn’t take my frequent trips to the medicine cabinet as a sign that pills are the solution to everything, but I’m afraid that she is. And that’s a very bad thing.

So I had a little talk with her. I told her that you should never take medicine unless you really need it, and that pills aren’t the solution to everything. And that if there’s a change you can make in your habits that will fix the problem, that you should try that before turning to medication. I mean, you could take the world’s best diet pill and still not lose any weight if you sit and eat ice cream all day.

She said she just thought I had a headache and should try taking some Tylenol or Aleve for it. And that’s good advice, because I know my headaches and know that I need to take something at the first sign so that they don’t get so bad that nothing will help. So hopefully I was just overreacting. But I also hope I made an impression on her, because I really don’t want her to grow up thinking that she should be taking pills all the time.

When I went to the doctor about my depression and anxiety issues, she didn’t just write me a prescription and move on. She sat me down and had a long talk with me. She asked me what my symptoms were, if I had any friends, and stuff like that. She already knew that I worked from home, and one of the first things she suggested was for me to get out more.

She said she was concerned about agoraphobia - the fear of going out in public. But that’s not a problem for me. It’s true that I stay home most of the time now, but it’s not because I hate going out. It’s because gas is expensive, and because I only recently got a vehicle on the road that I don’t share with someone else. But I have no doubts that getting out of the house more often would be beneficial. We all need a change of scenery and some social interaction from time to time.

She suggested possibly getting a part-time job. I suppose that would help with the finances, which are another major source of anxiety, as well. But I just can’t see myself getting back into the workforce, taking a job in food service or retail or even insurance marketing. Nothing against any of those professions, but writing is more than just what I do. It’s a big part of who I am. I’m proud to call myself a writer, and taking a job doing something else seems too much like admitting that I’m a failure at it. True, I spend more time blocked and distracted than I do actually writing right now, but I just can’t bear the thoughts of being anything less than a full-fledged writer.

So the doctor had another idea: volunteering. And I like that idea. I’ve thought about doing it before, but the transportation issues were an obstacle. The problem now is that my car doesn’t do well on snow and ice, and we’ve been getting a lot of that around here. So I’ve been putting off looking for volunteer work until the weather is better. I found some volunteer opportunities that I could take part in online, but I don’t think something that would keep me in front of the computer more is what I need. So I guess I’ll just have to wait a while.

Doc will probably fuss at me when I go back for my recheck and tell her that I’m not volunteering yet. But I just don’t feel right asking for volunteer work and not knowing if I’ll be able to follow through with it. And I’m really not just trying to put it off. I fully intend to find something to do at least a few hours a week when the weather is no longer a concern.

Hi there. Remember me? I used to blog here. Haven’t been doing that so much lately, though.

The new year hasn’t been kind to me so far, and that’s why I haven’t been around. I could write a big, long post about it, but I don’t think I will. I’d rather just forget about it all, and bits and pieces will probably come out in future posts anyway. So I’ll try not to bore you to death with details here.

But in summary, I’ve been horribly ill, finally got on medication for depression and panic attacks, and had to contend with major plumbing problems all last week. I spent a lot of time when I didn’t feel like doing anything but lying in bed waiting around in various hardware stores, looking at fancy Whirlpool dishwashers and Toto toilets that I can’t afford while waiting on employees to help me. A few hundred dollars later, we finally got the water going again.

Things are finally somewhat back to normal, so maybe I’ll get something accomplished today. The jury’s still out on whether or not the medication (Prozac, to be specific) will help. I started it on New Year’s Day, so the two week mark is coming up, and that’s how long the doctor said it would take to kick in. I hope it does the trick.

When I heard that the government was working on healthcare reform, I was thrilled. As someone who has no health insurance, I know what it’s like to have to do without needed medical treatment. I’ve needed to go to a better doctor regarding my lack of energy and inability to concentrate for some time, but it just hasn’t been an option due to lack of funds. I’m done talking to my current doctor about these things. As much as I like her as a person, I just don’t think she’s going to be able to help me.

And then there are the problems that I can’t justify spending our limited funds on. Cavities that need to be filled, vision that needs to be checked, anxiety that is driving me nuts. If I had insurance I could get all of these things taken care of. And from the sound of the early healthcare reform plans, I thought maybe insurance would be in my near future.

Now, I’m not so sure. Each time I hear about it, the latest bill has been defeated and the upcoming one is a little more watered down than the last one. They were supposed to be sealing a deal several months ago, and then again before the holidays, and the latest reports are saying early next year. Ugh.

I got a letter from Blue Advantage last week, and I looked into it online. They’ve got some great plans, and from what I’ve seen with other health insurers, their rates are reasonable. But I can’t even afford that right now. I wish I could, because I’ve had Blue Cross/Blue Shield before, and it’s the best insurance I’ve ever had.

So until I start making more money or they get moving forward on healthcare reform, I guess things will remain as-is. I’m just thankful that Pumpkin still qualifies for Health Choice (although I’m not sure how much longer she will qualify). And Hubby has insurance through his work that’s company paid. It isn’t great, but it doesn’t cost him anything and it will cover him if anything major happens. As for me, I’m just glad I don’t have any life-threatening health problems. That said, I’m going to go knock on wood for good measure.