A Work at Home Mom’s Blog

We got our tax refund, which was better than I expected, back last week, and I’ve gotten all the bills up to date. Now is the time to do a little shopping. I’m not planning a big spree by any means, but there are some things we need that can’t wait much longer.

But after paying the bills, the first thing on the agenda was getting Hubby a hunting rifle. He’s been dying for one since we got married, and probably longer than that. He wouldn’t come off of the money to buy one back when we had it to spare, and then he ended up regretting it when money got tight. So I promised him that this year, if we got enough back on our taxes, after the bills were paid that was the first thing we would buy.

He kept trying to talk himself out of it, but I told him that if he didn’t buy himself one, I would. So we finally went out yesterday and he picked out a gun and a scope and bought it. While we were out, I made it a point to look at clothes for Pumpkin. I didn’t find much, but I managed to pick up a couple of things for her.

This coming weekend, we’re going to Big Lots to see if we can find a dresser for Pumpkin’s room. The one that’s in there has been completely unusable for some time now. It was a Wally World special, and while it worked fine for her baby clothes, it just couldn’t stand the weight of her big girl clothes. All of the drawers have fallen apart, and it has served as nothing but a really ugly TV stand for several months. So it’s definitely on the must-get list.

Besides that, I plan on looking there for some clothes for her, and going somewhere else if I have to. She could use some new jeans and shirts, and probably some shorts for summer. Hubby needs some new jeans, too. Those things are next on the list of priorities.

There are plenty of things that I could use. Some new clothes would be nice, and I’d like to find some effective adult acne treatments to try. But I haven’t even bothered looking yet, and I probably won’t until Hubby and Pumpkin’s needs are taken care of. Heck, there are a couple of non-necessities that I’d like to get for Pumpkin that I might look at before I do any shopping for myself. By the time it’s all over, I may not even spend a dime on anything for me.

To me, it feels better to see them get things that make them happy than to get stuff myself. Not that a little something for me wouldn’t be nice. But I’ve got a roof over my head, clothes to wear, food to eat, and most importantly an awesome family. What more do I really need?

“Gloom, despair and agony on me-e!
Deep dark depression, excessive misery-y!
If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all!
Gloom, despair and agony on me-e-e!”
- The Hee Haw Cast

This has been the story of my life for way too long. I’m ready for a change, and I’m hopeful that it’s happening right now.

A couple of awesome things happened last week. First, I got an out-of-the-blue email from a former writing client. When I saw it in my inbox, I figured she was just checking in to see if I was doing any better than when she last heard from me nearly a year ago, because she’s nice like that. That was part of it, but she also said that I was welcome to come back to work for her any time.

After I recovered from the shock of it all, I emailed her back with an apology for flaking out and an enthusiastic “Yes, please, I would love to come back to work for you right now!” She immediately assigned me a small batch of articles. That made me very happy.

The next day, something told me to check the balance in the bank account, even though I hadn’t made any deposits, written any checks or used the debit card lately, and there weren’t any automatic bill pays scheduled. I found that both our federal and state tax refunds had been deposited early. Between that and the reunion with one of my favorite clients, what started out as a rough week turned out to be one of the best I’ve had in a while.

I hope the good luck holds out a little longer, because I’ve got an interview for an hourly work-at-home position this afternoon. I’m really hoping to get this one. If I do, maybe I won’t have to keep applying for gigs writing about running shoes or washing machines or safe diet pills only to never hear anything back any more. And that would be truly awesome.

At any rate, at least I don’t have to constantly worry about the finances for now. And even if the job isn’t in the cards, maybe something else will come up before the tax money is gone. Now that a couple of things have gone my way, it’s not such a struggle to be optimistic.

Today is Valentine’s Day, and quite frankly I was none too thrilled about it. I’ve done quite a bit of writing about it over the past few weeks, and that was rather burning me out on it. Add to that the fact that I’ve always thought it was a bit overcommercialized, and the fact that I’ve been fighting a losing battle with depression for the past several days, and I would have been happy to just spend the day in bed with the covers over my head.

Hubby mentioned something about it while I was watching a commercial for an online university last night, and I told him that we couldn’t afford to spend any money and the best thing he could do was to be good to me and maybe fix me a nice romantic dinner. That kind of went in one ear and out the other, so I just went on about my business.

Then this morning came, and I had to go out and run a couple of errands. While I was out, I figured I’d pick him up a case of beer and rent him a movie that he had been dying to watch. I also picked up an adorable shirt for Pumpkin that was on clearance and a bag of one of her favorite kinds of candy.

I got home, and Hubby fussed because I bought him beer. I told him I might as well make that his Valentine’s Day present, because he would have ended up buying some anyway. I’m not sure exactly how things went downhill from there, but he had to go out as soon as I got in, and we didn’t part on good terms. I lay in bed and cried until I finally fell asleep.

He called and said we needed to talk, and I told him that I was just not in a good frame of mind. I told him the best thing he could do was just leave me be, not because I was mad at him (and I really wasn’t), but because I wasn’t fit to be around. So we said our “I love you”s and hung up.

I went back to sleep, and woke back up with him beside the bed. I couldn’t even make myself turn over. He just kind of talked sweetly to me for a minute and went in the living room until I was ready to get up. When I did, I found that he had laid a single red rose beside of me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy, sad, lucky, and stupid at the same time, and I burst into tears.

I got up and gave him a hug, and he presented me with three more gifts: three beautiful frog statues for the yard. Then he cooked me supper and pampered me the rest of the evening.

I don’t have to go to an online university to know that I’ve got a truly awesome man. We fight, we have our disagreements, and sometimes we think each other are completely insane, but we love each other madly. I consider myself extremely blessed to have him in my life.

When Pumpkin was sick, she asked if she could sleep on the couch. I let her, because it put her closer to the bathroom in case she needed to make a run for it. But now she wants to sleep on the couch all the time. She says she can’t sleep in her room.

I let her sleep there the night that Hubby and I were sick, because I didn’t feel like arguing about it. But I put my foot down the next night. And the following day, I asked her what was bothering her in her room that kept her from sleeping.

At first she said she didn’t know. I started naming some things that might have bothered me as a kid, like noises, lighting, temperature and such. She said it was none of those. Then she mentioned that her bed wasn’t very comfortable.

That’s not the first time I’ve heard that. She’s said it before, and I’ve found out for myself the few times I’ve lay down or slept in it. It has an old hand-me-down mattress and box springs that have seen their better days. And while I’d love to run right out and buy her a nice, comfortable orthopedic mattress, I can’t do that right now.

So she’s just going to have to get over it for now. It’s not bad enough to cause her to wake up in pain or anything. And when she sleeps on the couch, she doesn’t really do much sleeping either, because she wants to watch TV. I plan on getting her a better mattress as soon as possible, but just like Hubby and me, she’s going to have to learn to live with the bed she has for the time being.

The past week has been so full of ups and downs, I feel like I’ve been riding a roller coaster. I’ve even had the nausea to prove it.

It all started Sunday night, when Pumpkin got up vomiting. She was out of school for two days with a horrid stomach bug. I had planned to get lots of work and work hunting done, but that didn’t happen since I was waiting on her hand and foot and barely getting out of her sight. Taking care of her is the most important thing to me, no question. But I really needed to try and make some money, because Hubby was supposed to be losing his only source of income.

In the meantime, I got an offer to buy the domain name of my other blog. I named a price, based on the average of what several of those website value estimators said, and heard nothing back for a few days. I assumed that the prospective buyer wasn’t interested in paying much for it and mourned the loss of that extra income.

The night before Pumpkin went back to school, I found out that I had the virus that she had just gotten over. That morning, Hubby woke up with it, too. We were completely useless that day, and yet again I got no work done. Most people would have just grabbed their laptop backpacks and camped out in bed or on the couch, and gotten at least a thing or two done. But no laptop here, therefore no can work if I can’t drag myself to my computer desk.

I heard back from the prospective buyer, and was offered a much lower price for the domain name. After a lot of thinking and weighing the pros and cons of selling, I decided that I would take a lower price, but not quite that low. So I made a counteroffer that I thought we could both agree to. And it worked. The buyer’s agent set up the transaction, payment was sent to them, and I followed the instructions to initiate the transfer.

Then I found out that it would be twenty days until I would receive my money. The domain registrar has it, but they don’t send it until twenty days after the agreement is made. So there went my plans to get the mortgage and some other bills up to date.

The next day, Hubby got a piece of mail. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it looks like his money will now be coming in for a few months longer. That will be helpful. But had I known that, I don’t know if I would have taken the price I did for my domain.

Somewhere along the way, I got an email from one of my contacts informing me that he had received a virus email sent from my email address. I had suspected that something was wrong with my computer for a while, because it was running slower and doing a couple of other strange things. But my usual virus and malware scans had turned up nothing. I spent an entire day working through the steps outlined at Major Geeks in an attempt to eradicate it. It seems to have paid off, because I have seen no further signs of possible infection. But there was yet another day when I got no paying work or job hunting done.

Speaking of which, I still haven’t had a bit of luck finding any projects or ongoing gigs. I picked out some articles from Demand Studios to do, but writing them is slow going since I haven’t written for them in so long. And a lot of their titles turn out to be impossible to write after some research, so that’s pretty hit or miss. Maybe when the proceeds from my domain sale come in I’ll feel comfortable enough to work on some of my own projects. Until then, I’ll keep looking for work from others.

So that’s my roller-coaster week in a nutshell. I really hope next week is much less eventful. Or at least eventful only in good ways.

I’ve still been applying for every writing gig I can find that I’m qualified for and interested in. And I’ve still heard nothing back from any of them. Well, I did hear back from one, but it was just a form letter saying that they start out at a penny per word and to email them back if still interested. Needless to say, I deleted that one. I’m an experienced writer, and I don’t work for peanuts.

There are bills to pay and no money to pay them. Depression is trying its best to set in, and anxiety is sending my brain into a tizzy. But I’m fighting those demons with all I’ve got, and I refuse to let them get the best of me. If I’m going to get through this, I have to be clearheaded and focused.

I plan on working on some things that provide ongoing income rather than doing the work and getting paid once. Like setting up some websites to generate affiliate income, or writing some ebooks. But those things take time to start bringing money in, and right now I need something that pays quickly. Once I get some steady work with steady pay coming in, I can work on the other stuff.

I’m not giving up this time. I can’t afford to. Giving up is what got me where I am right now, and I’m not letting it take me down any further.

It looks like my motivation has made a comeback, and that’s great. Now I’ve got to find some paying work to put it toward. I’m hoping to once again become a full-time freelance writer, so that Hubby won’t have to agonize so much about not being able to work, and neither of us will have to fret about the bills constantly.

It’s rough on Hubby not being able to be the breadwinner any more, or even to make a contribution. His abundance of natural testosterone keeps telling him that it’s not right for me to support him. But I see nothing wrong with it. It would be different if he were able to work and just too lazy to do so, but that’s not the case at all. He has always been a hard worker when he was able to work. I think that’s a big part of the reason why his back is so messed up now – because he worked too hard and too much.

If I can get back to making as much money as I was when I was working full-time hours, things would be okay. I would still have a flexible schedule, so I wouldn’t have to sacrifice much family time. And maybe I could finally quit juggling the bills and just pay them when they come due. That would really be nice.

Just when you think everything’s going to be okay, a big fat storm cloud pops up and it rains all over your parade. Well, it’s too cold for rain here, so I guess it would have to snow on my parade.

Perhaps you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Well, I’ll tell you. I started out the new year with a positive outlook, despite the fact that things weren’t going so well. I kept telling myself that this year was going to be better than last year, and I was going to get started making things better right away. And I got started. I got ahead on my work, started actively looking for new clients, and even got some stuff done around the house that I needed to do.

And then one day I started feeling a little down. Thinking that depression was trying to set in once again, I became determined that I was not going to let it happen. I started losing focus, but I took a deep breath and told myself that it was going to be alright. I was going to make it be alright. And even though my mind was being completely uncooperative, I managed to get some paying work done before I went to bed, just like I had promised myself I would do. So what if it took until 3:30 in the morning? I was determined that the forces of evil were not going to win.

Well. The following afternoon, I woke up feeling like a train had run over my head. I figured it was my sinuses acting up again, and I wasn’t about to let it get the best of me. So I got some medication and tried to go on my merry way. But the medicine didn’t help, and in fact I just kept feeling worse until I realized that I had another Head Cold from Hell.

And that’s where I’m at right now. Sitting here, trying to get a thing or two done after being almost completely incapacitated for the past couple of days, thanks to the ringing in my ears and the dizziness every time I do anything but sit down and the coughing and the sneezing and the pain and the mucus. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

All this wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that the bill juggling is not going so well right now. I’m feeling the pressure to try and keep money coming in, but I’m having a ridiculously hard time concentrating because I feel so tired and icky. It sucks.

Why does it have to be this way? Why, when I start to gain a little momentum, does something always have to bring it to a screeching halt? It’s not like I’m asking for too much. At least I don’t think so. I don’t want to go on a shopping spree and buy expensive jewelry or the latest gadgets or Polaris RZR accessories or whatever else tickles my fancy. I just want to be able to pay the bills and put food on the table. That’s all.

Well, I’m going to quit whining and rambling for now. I think I’ve gotten that out of my system for the time being. Hopefully my next post will be much more positive (not to mention coherent).

Lookee here, it’s my first post of the New Year. I’ve been absent for a little over a week, but this time it wasn’t due to another severe bout of depression or some other catastrophe. I’ve just been busy with stuff other than blogging, like having fun and getting some things that I desperately needed to do done.

I hope you all had a great New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Mine were pretty good, nothing to write home (or blog) about, but fun and happy. But to me the beginning of 2011 was major cause for celebration, because I was so glad to see 2010 go.

2010 was the year that Hubby became unable to work and suffered a great deal of pain, both physical and emotional. It was the year that my lifelong battle with depression took a serious turn for the worse. It was the year that I ended up losing most of my writing work because of my depression. It was the year that I had to suck it up and ask for help and take out loans I didn’t want to take out to keep from losing everything we’ve worked so hard for. It was the year we had to cut our expenses to the barest minimum just to survive. And it was another year of extreme bill juggling, only much worse than most other years.

Still, I do have some things from 2010 to be thankful for. Like finally finding a doctor who was willing and able to do what it took to put me on the road to recovery. And gaining a greater appreciation for the little things. And starting to have “girl talk” with Pumpkin. And rediscovering just how much Hubby and I really love each other.

I’m starting this year with a positive attitude and a sense of purpose. And I’m hopeful that those things will help make 2011 a year to be proud of.

Hubby isn’t all better, but he’s been feeling well enough to get back to his normal activities around the house and not need me to wait on him hand and foot. He’s even felt up to playing with Pumpkin. All these things have taken some of the pressure off of me. So I thought maybe I would be able to get some things accomplished today. Heh.

First off, I was still pretty dragged out from staying constantly on the go for so long, so I had to take a long nap today. And when I woke up, I had a nagging headache. So after all that sleep, I still ended up lying around for a long time, because the meds I took weren’t putting a dent in it.

Right when I started feeling a little better, the phone rang. It was a former friend of Pumpkin’s, and I had to inform her that Pumpkin was no longer allowed to talk to her on the phone. (Long story, and I don’t really feel like going into all the details right now, but maybe another day.) I hated to do it, but they’re having a lot of trouble getting along, and the girl is starting to be a bad influence, so I felt it was my only option.

A little later, I got a call from the girl’s mother. I wasn’t at all surprised, because I would have done the same thing. But I would have listened to the other side of the story, and I wouldn’t have been all defensive like she was. I would have talked to my daughter about what the other party was saying and tried to get some answers, not blindly assumed that my child was telling the truth (even though I raised her to be honest and I believe that she does very well at it). The conversation didn’t turn into a shouting match or anything, but it didn’t go particularly well. But at least we came to the agreement that the two should just stay away from each other. I hope that’s the way things go from now on.

Of course, the whole turn of events got my nerves pretty rattled. And even though I believe that my consumption of a few alcoholic beverages the past couple of nights might have contributed to my recent tiredness and irritability, I had to drink a couple tonight to calm myself down. I’m out of my anxiety pills, so that’s the only alternative I had. It seems to be helping a bit, though.

Hopefully I’ll be able to get some work done tonight now that I’m feeling somewhat calmer. And it helps that I know that I did the right thing. The whole situation between those girls has gone on way too long, and while I’m a big proponent of letting Pumpkin solve her own problems, she was getting nowhere on her own. I’m truly sorry about any hurt feelings that I caused, but it’s my job to look out for my daughter, and I’m not afraid to do it.