A Work at Home Mom’s Blog

The past month has really, really sucked. I spent the majority of it laying around feeling like crap. It was like my digestive system just totally turned against me, leaving me in terrible pain and not functioning properly. I would go into more detail, but you probably wouldn’t want to read it so I’ll just leave it at that.

I did go to the doctor, but I had to see the new NP, and she isn’t worth a hoot. I tried to give her a chance, I really did, but she just doesn’t listen. I told her about some other strange symptoms that I was having, and she just looked rather perplexed and gave me something to help with the stomach problems. It helped a little, but not that much. Luckily it resolved somewhat on its own a week or so after I finished the medication. But I’m still not at all back to normal, and I think there’s something underlying that’s causing it all.

Anyway, because I was feeling so horribly, I didn’t get much work done all month. Once I started feeling better physically, the depression that always sets in when I can’t get any work done kept me from getting much work done for a couple more weeks. Today is the first day I’ve been fairly motivated and clearheaded, and wouldn’t you know it, Pumpkin got out of school early and is having a three day weekend.

I feel like a car that’s been sitting on the side of the road, waiting for the breakdown service people to get there. And once I get towed and repaired, something else tears up right after I leave the shop. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’m trying to keep up hope that things will get better. But when they’ve been like this to some degree for the past few years, it gets rather difficult.

I’m on medication for anxiety. I don’t take it every day, just as needed. Lately I haven’t needed it very much, which is good, because it makes me feel run down and/or sleepy. But there was a time when I had to take it frequently. I was anxious a goodly portion of the time, and I was having panic attacks.

If you’ve never had one, panic attacks suck. People experience them in different ways, but for me they were signified by trouble breathing, my heart pounding and sometimes nearly passing out. Not fun.

Thankfully I haven’t had one of those in a long time. But just today I came to the realization that Hubby has probably been having them for years.

Back when he was working at the tire shop, he came home one day and declared that he was going to quit smoking. I asked what led him to that decision, and he said that he had lit a cigarette when he was at work and had a pain in his chest that took his breath. I said that it sounded like quitting would be a good idea, and he did.

But a few evenings later, he had a similar pain in his chest. It was bad enough that he decided to go to the emergency room, because he thought it could be his heart. They ran tests – drew blood, did an ECG, the whole nine yards – and everything came back normal. Since it didn’t appear to be any other sort of emergency, they sent him home.

He kept having pains, and he eventually found out he needed to have his gall bladder removed. He did, and things were better in a lot of ways. He didn’t have any of those types of pains for a long time. But eventually he did again.

Since they were less frequent, and the symptoms didn’t last too long at a time, he didn’t talk to the doctor about it any more. But today he came home from a friend’s house and said he had had such an episode again. I asked him what happened, and he said he had to help put out a fire that would have burned the house down if he and some other guys hadn’t acted quickly. He was still pretty shaken up about it.

And that’s when it hit me. Many of the other times when he’s had those pains, it has been when he suddenly got upset about something. Since his muscles are pretty much constantly pulled due to his back problems, I’m guessing that his anxiety causes them to tighten up suddenly, causing intense pain.

Sounds like a panic attack in my (nonprofessional) opinion. Maybe I’ll be able to talk him into discussing it with the doctor next time he goes in.

Long time no blog, huh?

Don’t worry, I haven’t slipped into another deep depression, and nobody has collected a whole life insurance policy on me (obviously). I just haven’t gotten around to blogging much. I’ve had a lot on my plate, and it just kind of fell by the wayside. You know how it goes.

I promised an update on my laptop, so here goes: I like it. It’s not as fast as my desktop, but it gets the job done. And I’ve had no serious issues with it. I think it was a good deal for the money. My only concern is that I recently found out that the screen often goes out prematurely on the model I purchased. But if it goes out within a year it will be covered by the warranty, and I hope to be able to buy a brand spanking new one soon after that. So maybe it won’t be an issue.

I should be writing some articles right now, but I can’t seem to get motivated today. I’m not pushing a deadline, so I guess that’s why. I still need to work on staying motivated when I’m not under pressure. But I can’t complain too much – this time last year I couldn’t even stay motivated when I was under pressure. I guess the medication is doing its thing to a certain degree. I’m not interested in upping my dose or adding more meds, so I’m hoping some lifestyle changes will get me where I need to be. More on that later.

It has been insanely hot here in the mountains for the past week or two. It was in the upper 80s for several days, and then it cooled down to the lower 80s and seems to be stuck there. I’ll take this kind of weather over freezing cold any day, but it takes some getting used to.

I’ve still been pretty stressed out, and have had a hard time getting myself in front of the computer at times. And when I have been able to make myself write, and I’ve gone back to proofread, I’ve found myself wondering what kind of drugs I was on when I wrote stuff. I’m not as careful about proofreading my blog posts here as I am about proofing work for others, so it’s probably more noticeable here. So if there have been times when I’ve made absolutely no sense, sorry about that!

I suppose I could chalk my unusually bad mental issues up to the heat. It seems to be affecting others around here, so that might actually be somewhat believable. For example, I went to the grocery store today, and for once there weren’t huge lines at the checkouts. But I just happened to get in line behind some guy who refused to believe that he couldn’t buy his muscle supplements of choice there. It took the cashier forever to convince him that they didn’t have them and that he should try ordering them online. Sheesh!

I should be accustomed to this weather by the end of next week, because according to the forecast it’s going to stay the same for at least that long. Then maybe I can get myself back on track. I can hope, anyway.

I’ve still been applying for every writing gig I can find that I’m qualified for and interested in. And I’ve still heard nothing back from any of them. Well, I did hear back from one, but it was just a form letter saying that they start out at a penny per word and to email them back if still interested. Needless to say, I deleted that one. I’m an experienced writer, and I don’t work for peanuts.

There are bills to pay and no money to pay them. Depression is trying its best to set in, and anxiety is sending my brain into a tizzy. But I’m fighting those demons with all I’ve got, and I refuse to let them get the best of me. If I’m going to get through this, I have to be clearheaded and focused.

I plan on working on some things that provide ongoing income rather than doing the work and getting paid once. Like setting up some websites to generate affiliate income, or writing some ebooks. But those things take time to start bringing money in, and right now I need something that pays quickly. Once I get some steady work with steady pay coming in, I can work on the other stuff.

I’m not giving up this time. I can’t afford to. Giving up is what got me where I am right now, and I’m not letting it take me down any further.

All this week, I’ve been actively applying for writing gigs. I found one that I thought was a sure thing, took the test for it, and haven’t heard anything back. I found another that looked really promising, did a couple of samples, and have yet to get a response. I applied for several more, and have heard absolutely nothing. But I’m not giving up. Not this time.

The beginning of my freelance writing career kind of spoiled me, I think. By some stroke of luck, I ended up with one large project and two ongoing jobs within a few days’ time. And that was when I had no experience whatsoever writing for anyone but myself. I was hoping things would work out similarly this time around, but so far they’re not. That’s okay, though. I’m sure competition is stiff with the economy in the shape it’s in. And it’s quite possible that some prospective clients just don’t like my prices. I’m not terribly expensive, but I refuse to work for peanuts.

For now, I’m not letting it get to me. I’m just going to keep on keeping on. I’m in a good state of mind, and I’d like to keep it that way. Back before my meds started working, I would probably be beating my computer with a metal hose right about now, because I would already be discouraged and frustrated and scared that I would never get enough work to keep the bills paid. But as it is, I’m able to maintain a positive outlook. And I think it will pay off eventually.

Lookee here, it’s my first post of the New Year. I’ve been absent for a little over a week, but this time it wasn’t due to another severe bout of depression or some other catastrophe. I’ve just been busy with stuff other than blogging, like having fun and getting some things that I desperately needed to do done.

I hope you all had a great New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Mine were pretty good, nothing to write home (or blog) about, but fun and happy. But to me the beginning of 2011 was major cause for celebration, because I was so glad to see 2010 go.

2010 was the year that Hubby became unable to work and suffered a great deal of pain, both physical and emotional. It was the year that my lifelong battle with depression took a serious turn for the worse. It was the year that I ended up losing most of my writing work because of my depression. It was the year that I had to suck it up and ask for help and take out loans I didn’t want to take out to keep from losing everything we’ve worked so hard for. It was the year we had to cut our expenses to the barest minimum just to survive. And it was another year of extreme bill juggling, only much worse than most other years.

Still, I do have some things from 2010 to be thankful for. Like finally finding a doctor who was willing and able to do what it took to put me on the road to recovery. And gaining a greater appreciation for the little things. And starting to have “girl talk” with Pumpkin. And rediscovering just how much Hubby and I really love each other.

I’m starting this year with a positive attitude and a sense of purpose. And I’m hopeful that those things will help make 2011 a year to be proud of.

Hubby isn’t all better, but he’s been feeling well enough to get back to his normal activities around the house and not need me to wait on him hand and foot. He’s even felt up to playing with Pumpkin. All these things have taken some of the pressure off of me. So I thought maybe I would be able to get some things accomplished today. Heh.

First off, I was still pretty dragged out from staying constantly on the go for so long, so I had to take a long nap today. And when I woke up, I had a nagging headache. So after all that sleep, I still ended up lying around for a long time, because the meds I took weren’t putting a dent in it.

Right when I started feeling a little better, the phone rang. It was a former friend of Pumpkin’s, and I had to inform her that Pumpkin was no longer allowed to talk to her on the phone. (Long story, and I don’t really feel like going into all the details right now, but maybe another day.) I hated to do it, but they’re having a lot of trouble getting along, and the girl is starting to be a bad influence, so I felt it was my only option.

A little later, I got a call from the girl’s mother. I wasn’t at all surprised, because I would have done the same thing. But I would have listened to the other side of the story, and I wouldn’t have been all defensive like she was. I would have talked to my daughter about what the other party was saying and tried to get some answers, not blindly assumed that my child was telling the truth (even though I raised her to be honest and I believe that she does very well at it). The conversation didn’t turn into a shouting match or anything, but it didn’t go particularly well. But at least we came to the agreement that the two should just stay away from each other. I hope that’s the way things go from now on.

Of course, the whole turn of events got my nerves pretty rattled. And even though I believe that my consumption of a few alcoholic beverages the past couple of nights might have contributed to my recent tiredness and irritability, I had to drink a couple tonight to calm myself down. I’m out of my anxiety pills, so that’s the only alternative I had. It seems to be helping a bit, though.

Hopefully I’ll be able to get some work done tonight now that I’m feeling somewhat calmer. And it helps that I know that I did the right thing. The whole situation between those girls has gone on way too long, and while I’m a big proponent of letting Pumpkin solve her own problems, she was getting nowhere on her own. I’m truly sorry about any hurt feelings that I caused, but it’s my job to look out for my daughter, and I’m not afraid to do it.

Not much has changed since I last blogged. I’ve still been suffering from a major lack of energy, yet writing has come pretty easily when I can get motivated enough to do it. I read in some phenphedrine reviews that it gives you lots of energy… maybe I should give that a try.

Hubby has been trying to talk me into going to the doctor over some feminine problems I’ve been having, but I’m trying to hold out a little longer. That could very well be a big part of the reason I have no energy, but if that’s the worst it does to me, I can’t see spending money we can’t afford to spend on yet another doctor visit. I’m at least going to give it until next week unless other problems develop.

Despite being tired all the time and having a bit of anxiety due to the health issues and other minor stuff, I’ve been in pretty good spirits. And that’s a good thing. Hopefully I’ll be able to fight through the fog and turn some of this creativity that’s dying to get out into dollars.

You’d never know it judging by my lack of blog posts since Halloween, but I’ve discovered that my ability to write has not disappeared forever. And that makes me happy. Well, kind of.

Actually, my mood has been, I dunno… kinda “meh” lately. I’m not all bouncy and bubbly, but not deeply darkly depressed, either. As for my energy level, it has been pretty low. Good because I’ve been sleeping much better than usual, but bad because I’ve been sleeping too much and having a lot of trouble getting motivated to do anything at all. But, when I’m able to make myself sit down and write, the words have been flowing almost as easily as they did when I first started writing. And while that hasn’t been enough to give me a big mood boost, it does ease my mind a bit.

I still haven’t decided whether or not this is an overall improvement. Ideally, I’d like to have plenty of energy and be happy at all times. And while being depressed sucks, not feeling much of anything isn’t so great, either. I guess I’ll just keep hoping that this is the beginning of better things to come and see how it pans out.