A Work at Home Mom’s Blog

As you may have noticed, I haven’t blogged in some time. All I can say is life has been happening and I’ve been dealing with another severe bout of depression. Maybe I’ll feel up to writing about that in more detail later, but right now I don’t.

As if the whole depression thing weren’t enough, the whole family has been having to run to the doctor a lot again. Well, except for me. It’s not that I didn’t need to go, just that I didn’t feel like I could afford it. So I decided to tough it out.

Hubby has had MRSA yet again. I just don’t get it. I thought once you got rid of it, you didn’t get it again unless you were exposed to it again. But with him it keeps recurring, kind of like herpes simplex, only not in the same area. You’d think that if he was getting reinfected, that Pumpkin and I would be getting it too. But we haven’t been. Anyway, he’s on antibiotics and it appears to be resolving, so that’s a good thing.

As for Pumpkin, she has been having more headaches and stomach problems. But for the past couple of weeks, it’s been an everyday thing. She missed three or four whole days of school, and we’ve had to pick her up early twice. The doctor did some tests and they won’t be back until next week, and if those don’t find anything, they’re going to do blood tests. But he seemed to think she might have some sort of fungal infection, so he went ahead and gave her an antifungal, and it seems like it might be helping. Today is the first day she hasn’t complained about any kind of pain, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

As for me, I’m feeling somewhat better than I have been. I’ll feel even better when I know that Pumpkin is well and happy.

Ever have one of those days when you just feel really, really strange? I’m having one of those today. And it’s gotten me to wondering, as I often do when I have days like this, whether or not it’s something that “normal” people deal with. Having never been a “normal” person, I can’t really speak for them.

When I went to bed last night, I was feeling awful. I had a backache and a raging sinus headache. It took me a couple of hours to get to sleep, as usual, but after that I slept reasonably well. When the alarm went off this morning, I woke up feeling refreshed and pain-free. I thought it was going to be a good day.

But I was wrong. After getting Pumpkin on the bus and going back to bed for a while hoping to catch just a little more sleep but having no luck, I got back up. And that’s when the fun began. I started going from obsessive thought to obsessive thought. First it was the abandoned baby bunny that Hubby rescued for Pumpkin, but I was unable to nurse back to health. Then I moved on to the time I accidentally ran over her puppy. Guilt, guilt and more guilt.

When I was done with that, I moved on to things that have pissed me off, like a former friend who tried to cause trouble in my marriage, and then the former coworker who flirts unabashedly with Hubby, even when I’m standing right there. My mind was in such a tizzy, I didn’t get anything done all morning except playing computer games to try to quieten it down. And then I got so angry with the game that I had to make myself quit.

Then I got up to hang some clothes out to dry, and found that I was extremely dizzy. No doubt a symptom of my sinuses acting up, even though they seemed to have been on their best behavior up until that point. Normally something like that would have been a minor annoyance, but with the state of mind that I was already in, it was enough to convince me that the forces of the universe were out to get me and send me to the medicine cabinet in search of my anxiety pills.

So there’s a small glimpse into my screwed-up mind. I’m guessing that it’s a bipolar thing, and that most people don’t have to deal with such mental weirdness. I’ve just about given up hope of snapping out of it today. But maybe tomorrow will be better.

I was downloading some songs for Hubby last night, and one of the songs that he wanted was “Have Mercy on Me Baby” by Loretta Lynn. The version I found wasn’t exactly what he wanted, because it was some sort of remix with heavy drums and guitars, but I loved it, and he told me to go ahead and get it for him.

I’ve had that song in my head all day. And for most of it, I’ve felt like singing it to the powers of the universe, because they have been horribly merciless toward me. It’s like the cosmos were aligned in a way that made everyone want to seriously stress me out. Ugh.

Up until this afternoon, all the stress was self-imposed. I knew I had a lot to do, but I had gotten up way late due to severe insomnia last night, and my allergies were killing me. I pushed myself as best I could, and I got a few things done. And then all hell broke loose.

It started when Pumpkin got off the bus. Hubby had plans to pick up a friend and take him to visit his parents, and I needed to go to town and pick up a few things. We were going to leave as soon as she got home, but we kept thinking of stuff that needed to be done before we left. We finally got out of here, picked up the friend, took him to the store, and went to the in-laws’ house. We stayed there long enough to find out what was up with the fundraiser stuff that my brother-in-law was trying to sell, because the money is due tomorrow. We were informed that only two had been sold, leaving three more that must be sold before she could go on the trip that was offered as a prize. He said everything would be delivered back to us this evening, and Pumpkin and I headed to town.

By then I thought of a bunch more things that needed to be taken care of while I was out. I needed to pay the phone bill, pick up a prescription, buy some new mini-blinds for the front door, and get the stuff for Pumpkin’s party. Oh, and I had to get gas, too, and Pumpkin was begging for some Bojangles fries.

I managed to make it to the drugstore and phone company before they closed, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I pulled into Walmart parking lot. Then I opened my purse, only to find something else that needed attention: A check that I needed to cash. There was a branch of my bank inside, so I looked at the time on my cell phone, only to see that it was 5:00 on the dot. I made a mad dash into Wally World, hoping that they hadn’t closed yet. When I got within sight of it, I saw that there were no bars closing off the entrance. A ray of hope! But my hopes were quickly dashed when I got a little closer and saw that the lights were out and the tellers were putting up their tills.

Well, there went my idea of using that money to buy enough fundraiser coupons to get her in on the bowling trip. So I called Hubby and asked if his parents and brother would buy one each if we paid for it and let them pay us back when they got their checks. They said they would, so I got enough cash back when I bought the stuff to cover all that plus one for us. That left very little money for us to work with, but oh well.

Then I remembered that I had to get gas. I went to the pumps at Wally World, waited forever on the guy in front of me to get done, and got out the debit card. There was still enough on it to get $20 in gas. Yet when I swiped my card, it gave me the dreaded “see attendant” message. Thinking that they weren’t going to let me use the card because there wasn’t much on it, I jumped in the truck and left.

Next, we went to Bojangles. I pulled up to the drive-thru order station, and had to wait several minutes for someone to take my order. Then I pulled on up, and saw that there was only one car waiting, and thought that maybe, just maybe, we’d get out quickly since we had only ordered two orders of fries. WRONG! We sat there a good 20 minutes, as did the vehicle in front of us. When I first pulled up there I saw the customer give them her money, and nobody came back to the window after that. I sat and sat and sat until I couldn’t take it anymore. I told Pumpkin that I was sorry she wouldn’t be getting her fries, but that if they couldn’t do any better than that, they did not deserve our business. And then I started up the truck, wiggled out of line, and left.

By this point I had figured out that the reason that the card reader had rejected the card was because it was a prepaid debit card. It happens at all of the pay at the pump places around here. So I stopped at the next station to get some gas, only to find that only one pump was accessible, and it was going to take a feat of driving genius to get in position to get gas from it. Some idiot was parked halfway between the two pumps on that side, and I have no idea how he even got any gas. But I took a deep breath and maneuvered the truck next to the pump as best I could, and there was just enough line for me to reach the gas tank.

When I was done pumping, Pumpkin pulled a disappearing act on me. That always sends my stress levels through the roof, so this time I was absolutely freaking out. Good thing she reappeared a couple seconds later, and I was able to calm down and give her a stern reminder to never, ever do that to me again.

We went in, got snacks for Pumpkin and Hubby to tide them over until supper, and I got a nice, frosty 24-ounce Smirnoff Triple Black. I figured it would come in handy once I got home.

Now I’m here. I fixed supper, helped Pumpkin with her homework, and now I’m trying like crazy to get some work done so I can concentrate on cleaning the house and getting ready for the party tomorrow. It’s going to be a long night. But I’m feeling quite a bit better now. If I weren’t, this long, surprisingly coherent blog post would probably consist of lines and lines of gibberish such as 108r00727. And yes, that Smirnoff is going down very nicely.

I wish this post could be about my upcoming visit to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Lots of sun, sand and fun, and no shortage of fun things to do. A good time for myself and my family, just enjoying being with each other and enjoying life in general.

Unfortunately, this post is just a dream. But it’s a rather detailed dream, as you will see. That’s because I already have the perfect beach house in mind for our Outer Banks rental: The Seahawk, which is pictured below:

Nice, huh? But wait until you hear about all that lovely structure has to offer:

• Two master bedrooms with king beds, one bedroom with queen bed, two twin beds, a pyramid bunk and a futon. That’s enough room to bring along whatever part of the family we’re not feuding with at the time! Or better yet, some good friends that we can actually have fun with.
• A private pool, so that when the ocean gets to be a bit much, you can chill with the family in seclusion. And if you want to get even more private, there’s a hot tub!
• Tons of media options, with several TVs, DVD players and VCRs, plus a large video library for those nights in. And don’t worry, die-hard gamers, there’s also an X-Box to keep you occupied.
• A game room/sports bar, complete with pool table, gas grill and more. Sahweet!

So why would my family and I love a week’s stay in beautiful Seahawk, you ask? A better question might be, why wouldn’t we? But here are a few of the first reasons to come to mind.

• My husband and I never went on a honeymoon. As a family, the Husband, Daughter and I have never been on a proper family vacation. We could wrap all of that into one awesome vacation by taking someone who could do stuff with Pumpkin while we did couples stuff, and spend the rest of the time doing the whole family thing.
• My husband and I have been through a lot lately. He has had some health problems that could leave him permanently disabled, and that has led to bouts of depression. I’ve dealt with depression off and on all my life, and was in deeper than I had ever been up until a couple of months ago, when my doctor gave me medication that actually seemed to work. Now we need to get out and have some fun and celebrate life!
• Here’s a nice, practical reason for you. We’re close enough to the Outer Banks that driving there would be a viable option. That means we would only have to budget for gas mileage, not a plane ticket. And we could see parts of beautiful North Carolina that we’ve never seen before along the way!

Well, there’s my Outer Banks dream in a nutshell. Here’s hoping that one day, while we’re all still young enough to enjoy it to the fullest, it comes true.

I just realized that I haven’t posted here in just over a week. But this time it’s not because I’ve been particularly out of sorts. I haven’t been quite as cheerful as has been the norm lately, but I think it’s had a lot to do with the sinus infection I’ve been contending with. That, and not having learned that I have to stay completely away from alcohol if I want to be in the best possible mental state until this past weekend. Not just one or two drinks here and there, but no drinks, ever, period.

Anyway, I went back to the doctor for my follow-up today, and he was happy to hear that I was doing so much better. I had a few minor things to discuss with him, and the sinus infection, but other than that I could honestly say that I felt great. He upped the dose on my Ativan so it would be more effective against insomnia, gave me some antibiotics, and told me to come back in four months. It’s good to know that, barring any major episodes or other health problems, the monthly visits are over for now. I like my doctor and all, but I’ll be glad to see less of him!

So now I’ve just got to work on getting my life back to some resemblance of normal. I’ve made progress, but there’s lots left to do. I still have a ton of laundry to catch up on, and I hope to get that done this week since it’s supposed to be warm, dry and sunny. I also need to do some serious cleaning and organizing in my office. My document management system leaves a lot to be desired. Well, actually, it’s pretty much nonexistent, unless you consider a zillion piles of papers in no particular order a document management system. It’s going to be interesting trying to sort through it all and deciding what to file and what to trash.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print, for now anyway. But I’ll try not to let another week go by with no posts.

Yesterday Hubby and I spent the day together. We had some business to attend to, but I had intended to let him sleep in since there wasn’t anything that we had to get done early. But he got up around 8:00 anyway, much to my chagrin. I didn’t feel like being in any hurry to get ready, but when he’s ready to go, he’s ready to go. So I begrudgingly got in the shower, got dressed, put on my makeup and fixed my hair. Still, by the time we left the house, it was nearly lunchtime.

So the first order of business was to get something to eat. We went through the Hardee’s drive thru and ordered, then parked the truck and ate in it. (By the way, if you haven’t tried their new hand-breaded chicken tenders, they’re awesome! And no, they’re not paying me to say that.)

Then we went to the hardware store to get a chain for his chainsaw. When we got there, I saw that the mother of one of the girls who use to be in Pumpkin’s girl scout troop was working there. We chatted with her for a bit, and Hubby selected a chain and also ended up picking up a new file for it. I had to restrain myself to keep from looking too closely at the great LCD TVs they had on display. If I had my way I would be posting one of the greatest TV reviews of all time right now, but unfortunately that will have to wait. As much as I would love to have a new television, it’s just not in the budget right now.

After that, we went to the cell phone place. Hubby’s phone has been busted since not long after he got it a couple of years ago, but it still functioned until recently. First the earpiece speaker went out, which meant you could only use it if you put it on speakerphone. Then the speakerphone went out, rendering it completely useless. So we went and picked out a new phone. I couldn’t get him to settle on anything, so I pretty much made the decision myself. And then I conned him into letting me have the new phone and him taking my old one.

I know, I’m such a bad girl. But my old phone is a much better fit for him. The new one isn’t a flip phone, which he insists on having, and the old one is. The new one also has a full keyboard for texting. I’m not a big texter myself, but he’s always making me do his texting for him, so I might as well keep the best phone for it, right? Right.

When we got done at the phone place, we went by the convenience store so he could get some cancer sticks, and he ran into his cousin. They stood and talked forever while I waited in the truck. When he finally got back, he said he needed to meet him at his house at 2:00 to see about getting some wood for the winter. So we goofed off for a bit, got some stuff from the store for his brother and delivered it, and went back out to see him.

After we got done there, it was time to head home so we would be here by the time Pumpkin got off the bus. And home is where we stayed for the rest of the evening, with the exception of some dirt bike/ATV riding nearby.

All in all, it was a nice day. I got a new toy – er, phone – and Hubby and I enjoyed each other’s company very much. Now that I’m not so depressed/anxious, I can tolerate his constant joking, ribbing and horseplaying much better, and can even give him a run for his money at times. And that makes the time we spend together much more enjoyable.

It has been a long, long time since I’ve truly been myself. As a matter of fact, I was beginning to forget who myself was. I stayed pretty much constantly stressed and depressed for a good two or three years. It was getting to the point where completing the simplest of tasks was kind of like trying to read CAD drawings – easy for some people, but more or less impossible for me.

The past couple of weeks have been different. I can’t say I haven’t been grouchy on occasion or had any bad days, but for the most part I’ve felt great. I’ve actually been willing to get out of bed in the mornings, and I’m starting to catch up on the housework. I’m easing back into my writing and blogging work, and I feel confident that I’ll be back to making a decent income soon.

I was beginning to lose hope that I would ever be able to truly enjoy life again. And I had my doubts that medication would help, seeing how I had tried a number of different meds to no avail. But it definitely seems to be making a difference, and for that I am thankful. I’m finally starting to feel like my old self. It’s good to be back.

I know, that’s probably one of the top ten cheeziest songs ever made. But I was just thinking about what an awesome husband I have, and it got stuck in my head. Sorry.

But honestly, I feel really lucky to have such an awesome man. I haven’t exactly been the easiest person to live with lately, thanks to the emotional problems I’ve been dealing with. But he has not once failed to be there for me through it all. I’ve felt incredibly guilty about not being able to work and help pay the bills, but every time I’ve gotten upset about it, he has told me not to worry about it and to focus on getting better.

Now that I seem to be getting back to my “normal” self, I feel like I should do something extra special for him. I’m not sure what, though. I could do what I usually do and cook him one of his favorite meals for supper, but I’d like to go beyond that. Maybe get him a nice personalized gift like a watch with an engraved message about how much he means to me or something. Given the current state of our finances I probably won’t be able to do that right away, but maybe it will seem even more special to him if I give it to him later on when he’s not expecting it at all. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just have to make sure to be extra-good to him.

If you’re a regular reader, you might be wondering where I’ve been for the past several weeks. If you picked up on the emotional ups and downs of my last several posts, maybe you’ve formed your own theories. Well, I’m back, and I’m going to try to explain what’s been going on as best I can. So bear with me.

As you may have read in a semi-recent post, I’ve been seeing my family doctor to get treatment for depression. Last month, he increased the dosage of the antidepressant that I was on and told the office staff to make me a referral to mental health. Well, the higher dosage made me feel great, and when they missed the memo about the referral, I told them not to worry about it since I was doing so much better. Big mistake.

After feeling good for a couple of weeks, I came crashing down. I slipped into a deep depression, during which I couldn’t perform even the simplest of tasks. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I did what was necessary to take care of Pumpkin, and the bare minimum to take care of myself, but that was about it. As far as blogging (or writing of any kind) goes, it was absolutely out of the question. I couldn’t even bear the thought of turning on the computer, much less typing a word.

And so it went until my next scheduled appointment. I went back to the doctor with my tail between my legs, so to speak. I told him that I hadn’t gone to a shrink because I felt so awesome at first, but after a couple of weeks I was worse off than I had been before. I would have been willing to go on and see a psychiatrist when things took a turn for the worse if it hadn’t been for the fact that I no longer had insurance.

Well, my doctor, being the understanding fellow that he is, decided to try something else instead of insisting that I spend money that I didn’t have on a shrink. He said that in light of what had happened after adjusting my dosage, it appeared that I needed a mood stabilizer to keep me from experiencing such extreme ups and downs. Translation: Bipolar disorder.

Some people would have been shocked at that diagnosis, but to me it immediately made sense. While I’ve been primarily depressed lately, I have in the past experienced classic symptoms of mania. And I guess that was what I was experiencing for a while after I started taking a higher dosage of my depression medicine, too.

That was all well and good, but how was I going to afford paying full price for my antidepressant (which has no generic equivalent yet) plus paying for another medication each month? Hubby still isn’t able to work, and I hadn’t been able to work for a while, either. I don’t have any rich relatives that can be of assistance, and since I’ve been out of college for over a decade, I can’t exactly sell textbooks to make extra money. I asked the doctor about that, and he told me the cheapest place in town to get the mood stabilizer. As for the antidepressant, he gave me a card that would save me 50% on my next refill, and filled out an application for free medication straight from the manufacturer for a year. That was quite helpful.

Well, I’ve been on the mood stabilizer for a week now. I have to gradually increase my dose over a period of three weeks, but it seems to be making a difference already. For the past few days, I’ve actually felt somewhat normal. And it’s felt good.

The doc told me that it may take a while to get my medications just right, and I understand that. I hope what I’m on now will be the magic bullet, but I know there’s a possibility that it won’t. I’ve been reading about other people with bipolar disorder, and some of them have to take 4 or 5 different meds just to keep it under control. I’m not a big fan of medication, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get myself straightened out. Wish me luck.

Friday before last, I went to the doctor for a follow-up on my new depression and anxiety meds. I told him they weren’t doing much good, and he upped the dosage on the Pristiq and referred me to the mental health place.

Well, I’m happy to report that the higher dosage seems to be doing the trick. I’ve felt better for the past week than I’ve felt in years! I actually feel like myself again, in a good way. Woo-hoo!

I had to take Pumpkin in for a checkup this past Friday in the same office with the pediatrician, and she passed with flying colors. I still hadn’t gotten a call about my appointment with mental health, so before we left the office, I asked the receptionist if they had contacted them yet. She pulled my file and saw that they hadn’t, and I told her that the medicine seemed to be doing its job. So she said they wouldn’t make the referral, and to just come back for my follow-up next month. Cool.

One thing I will need to talk to the doc about if it doesn’t get any better is insomnia. Since shortly after they upped my dosage, I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I just don’t seem to get sleepy at night. I’ve always been a night owl, but lately it hasn’t been unusual for me to lie awake until 4:00 in the morning. And it has made no difference whether I go to bed early or late. And this morning, I woke up around 6:00 and couldn’t get back to sleep, after only sleeping for maybe 3 hours.

I know that I need to get more sleep than that to remain healthy, so I’ll talk to him about it. Hopefully he can give me something (or even recommend something natural) to help me get the sleep I need without adjusting my dosage back down.